Essay About God: Confused State of Mind

“He has a plan, God said it was time” is the saying I have heard a lot these past few years yet somehow had not brought me comfort but pain instead. On the cold parking lot ground, I sit there in a daze barely agreeing with them to move along or a simple thank you because if they believe that then why try to hurt their belief through the grief. As each thought races through my head, I try to move along with another topic of conversation or something silly to do because after that statement the damage was done, and no need to stay in the damage. When it came out of each person’s mouth, it brought me back to these three things. Anger, Pain, and the question Why? Anger at the fact that we learn all our life that God is our friend and only wants good things for us yet his plan has death and pain for his people. Granted I am not perfect nor a master in the study of god but still feel strong towards that. Pain because we all learn that you never get enough time with the people you love nor realize how much little time we have till God brings them to heaven. Finally the leading question of Why? The question is never really answered in most cases because the reasons are a mystery. 

These past three years of my life have been the hardest, not because of high school itself or just simply being a teenager but for the first time in my life, I experienced two losses and had to walk the path of grief and acceptance. First was the passing of someone with who I had a bond like siblings with and going on each summer vacation together and seeing each other every Sunday at the grandparents to nothing. It was unbearable almost considering I never really went through anything like that growing up. On top of that, it was very unexpected which I feel is the worst type of death because you have to process it so fast with very little time. Flash forward to this year’s Easter, my dog who I had for only 9 months died due to an illness we could not fix. Yes, those are two very different experiences of death/grief because one is a human being and another is an animal but brought along battles I was not prepared or ready for. As a young teenager going through this, it was like running into a brick wall twice. I never really had time to fully pick up the pieces that I call my own, leading me into a state that I was unfamiliar with and scared of. To my eyes, I was weak and had no path to continue which therefore lead me to a state of confusion. Confused about what my purpose is and how to get out.

However, looking into my future and the place where I am right now there is a vision of purpose and perseverance. All my life I knew my goal in life or every day was to help people. It brings joy to me like no other, think of it as winning the lottery, but every day. It is who I am, who others see me as, a person who cares with everything in them and is willing to help you in any way with a big old smile on their face. Sharing kindness in this world can never be enough and for my life those moments of confusion I dealt with for years made me come full circle about taking those little moments of kindness and realizing those outweigh everything bad. A smile and a laugh are the two things I will forever keep in my back pocket because those are what got me through tough times of confusion/anger. In addition, I hope to share with the rest of the world.