Essay About Social Anxiety

For as long as I could remember, I have always suffered and dealt with social anxiety. Later on, I struggled with just anxiety at the age of twelve or thirteen years old. It all started in pre-k where I never wanted to go school at all and I despised talking to people I wasn't familiar with. There was a period in time where I did not necessarily have any friends due to how closed off I was.  At first, my parents thought it was because it was my first year enrolled at a school and I was just shy. Later on, it all clicked in for me. I hated being called on, or even being called out in front of class, or simply just talking in a classroom or large crowd of people. Whenever I went out in public and I had to pay for something or even ask a simple question, I was terrified out of my damn mind. At school whenever I had to present, my face constantly got flustered and I stumbled over every word I said. Increased heart rate, and overthink everything I was saying.My mother always told me that I needed to get used to talking to others or be in big crowds. I was always told “You need to learn to talk to people because when you get a job, that's what you’re going to have to do '' It's arduous trying to tell people what you’re going through when they simply aren't going through the same problem themselves. I have heard from many people that it's all in my head or that I’m just faking it all. There would be times where I would get anxiety attacks at school and pretend that I’m alright. I've had times where the person would look at me like I’m insane.

 Although I’ve suffered from anxiety at a ‘young’ age, it has gotten worse after I witnessed an extreme incident between my parents. My dad has a harsh tone even though he doesn't mean to do it, it just slips out. Whenever that sharp tone usually slips out, my mother steps in to help defend my brother even though he's in the wrong and he needs it to understand. I soon went to bed however, my parents began to argue. Yes, I’m used to them arguing but that night, January 29th, 2022, I knew my life would change from that moment forward. My mother had just recently caught my dad texting someone else, however, it is unclear to know what they were talking about. I mean, I don't blame my mother. I would be hella angry if I found out my husband of nineteen years was texting someone else. Anyways, as I was trying to fall asleep, all you could hear was aggressive yelling. I’m the type of person who either sleeps with calming music or no sound at all so the yelling was distracting me. I decided to step out of my room to get a glass of water and I saw that my father had my mother's iPad and phone in the trash. As he was about to step out the door, I vividly remember him saying that he's leaving and never coming back and as soon as he said that, I grabbed him by the arm and tried to rip away the bag that was in his hand with my mom's belongings. He told me to stop, and to back away and I knew I couldn't do much from there. From intense fighting that was only heard within my ears, I saw it with my own two eyes. I knew that this was going to get worse the moment my brother got out of his room. God, I remember him looking terrified out of his mind which I don't blame him for.  It got much worse from there. After another 2 hours of intense arguing, and throwing wedding rings right at each other, I cried myself to sleep. I felt hopeless. The next couple of days, my mom made my brother and l contemplate about having a possible divorce. The house wasn't the same as it was before. If the dicore were to happen, the chances of me going with my mom back to Mexico would be high since she aint a US citizen.

For a few weeks, that night kept replaying in my mind. I felt like it was a never ending story such as the demogorgon in Stranger Things. I grew extremely anxious everywhere, such as school, wondering how my mother was feeling or whether or not my parents would be arguing over the phone, which has happened several times. I had a bad focus rate and I couldn't concentrate at school for a while. I dreaded going to school for a good month. I would try to go to therapy but they wouldnt accept thr insurance I had. I would typically hold everything inside which made matters worse. To try to get my mind off everything, I began to watch the Sturniolo Triplets. Nick, Chris and Matt were eighteen year olds who would either make vlogs or make car videos which would entertain me. Their content can always create a smile on my face even if my day has been inadequate its ever been. Matt Sturniolo made a huge impact on me. He is very open with his own anxiety and as someone who can connect with him, he really helped a lot. Watching their videos every Wednesday and Friday helped me get my mind dozing off for a bit. I was beyond grateful to also get to know some amazing people in my life. I was added to a group chat full of Harry Styles’ fans. That moment there, I knew we would click right away. Whenever I would be having a bad day, they would always find a way to cheer me up. I’ve had a few friends such as Jordan who were able to relate to how I was feeling. She made me feel a lot better about myself and realize that I wasn't alone.

I’m still suffering from this believe it or not. I wish I was joking. I would still stay up at night worried that another fight is about to break out. I would hear voices at night even though no one is talking. My mother begged my father for weeks to stay. I would also beg for him to stay until I leave for college which would be in two years. While I havent had the best relationship with my father, I figured it would be time for a change. There would be some days where everything would be going well while others would be absolutely miserable.