Essay on Criticize and Downgrade People of Different Sexual Orientations

For many years, I have always known something was just not the same as everybody else. I fought with myself a long time about feeling the way I did. An epiphany is a sudden realization or striking moment that changes how you think or feel. It’s a specific moment in life that redirects your thinking and actions. My epiphany would be when I realized my sexual orientation is not heterosexual, not only knowing that about myself but sharing it with others especially my family. I now look back on my epiphany moment realizing that moment has changed a lot for the little girl that is not so little anymore.  

Growing up, I’ve always lived in a strict Christian household. My father was a preacher for many many years and always instilled a basic right and wrong, do’s and don’ts based on the bible. I felt as if I was just a game piece that was moved to where and what I needed to be not who I wanted to be. As I’ve matured and as time passed my father quit preaching and we stopped going to church, but that still didn’t change the belief that we had.  Throughout life people constantly criticize and downgrade people of different sexual orientations. Saying things like “it is a mental disability” or “it is a sickness” when in all reality it’s just me trying to be me. It’s not a “choice” I wouldn’t choose to lose many relationships over just trying to be happy. When I came to realize the way I felt would never go away even after hours of praying and wishing it away, I realized that I’m risking a lot but I shouldn’t live and compromise myself to please my family and friends. I was trying to run from the moment that would devastate my family and change a lot of what I thought was love to something I wouldn’t have to fake anymore. I felt ashamed and alone. It almost felt as if I was stuck in a never-ending cycle. The pain was almost like a shot wound when no one is around to pull you back up. I was just laying there drowning in my sorrow while everyone else was witnessing a downfall. I had to find out how to love myself with everyone around me hating who I was without them even knowing, but I knew I could not and would not be a game piece in anyone’s game anymore. 

The day of my epiphany was the day that I came out to my mom. I remember everything right down to the outfit I wore that day. I wore my black and grey cotton hoodie with “Venom” on the front, light-colored old navy jeans that I had bought the day prior. I remember the tingling sensation in my hands and feet. The way my heart skipped a beat when I even thought about the situation. I remember this so well because an epiphany is not something you can forget. Which in some cases for those people that have a great and happy epiphany it’s a perfect memory but in some people it drives them to the brink of insanity. I remember crying and be so scared of what this one sentence could do. I just knew it would ruin the chances of ever making them proud. Scared and lonely I remember calling my mom to the porch for the time I had been running from but somehow it finally caught up. When we sat down she already had that motherly instinct that I was already aware of. She reassured me that nothing could ever make her not love me after all she was my mother. My heart beating fast and loud I was sure that everyone could hear it. Here it was the time had come and I tried to beat around the bush but my mom is not one for that. Out my mouth came words that even I feared, “I don’t want this to affect my relationship with you but I think I’m into girls”. What she said next changed my view of life and family itself. The moment that made me realize that it was going to be okay and we would make it even if it was hard. “Maggie it’s okay, we will make it together. Don’t get me wrong this is going to be very hard, but nothing could ever stop making me love you.” Just the feeling of love and comfort those words brought me was better than anything I’ve ever experienced. She also said “Yes it’s wrong by our religious beliefs and I will never compromise that but I love you for you, nothing could ever change that. Your father already knows we had a conversation about it. He feels terrible for the things he said around you not knowing the circumstances” 

I will never forget the words she said that day. They made me feel warm and safe. I also had a feeling of guilt built up inside for fear they wouldn’t love me. I felt terrible thinking that my parents would give up on me when they already knew. I didn’t say anything about how scared I was up to this point, I felt bad for not trusting in their love. Looking back on the situation I know that my epiphany was not finding myself but realizing that my family loves me and we have a bond that can’t be broken regardless of who I love. This changed a lot from then on out. I bought my first pride flag, went to pride, for once I was not afraid of myself anymore. Being out to my parents made the depression, eating disorders, and fear of living go away. Knowing that for now, I will always have my parents in my life. We will have a bunch of hills to climb and battles to win but for right now everything was going to be okay. I will stand proud and loud because I am me and will always be. I will and I hope you all never let fear be the reason you don’t do something. Don’t let the fear of failure stop you from achieving your success and full happiness in life. Always be proud of who you are because that shows we are the bravest of them all.