LGBTQ+ My Personal Experience Essay

At a young age, one is always pushed to see life in a certain light. The same goes for you and me. For myself, it was that things have to be this way and nothing else, because if not then it’s evil or wrong. It possibly could be a result of my family's hard core Christian beliefs or Nigerian heritage that led me to think like this. To listen to what my parents and other elders tell me and never question it was accustomed to. To ignore and never bring up my discoveries and thoughts. In other words, when it came to me finding out more about the world outside of my home, it was like stepping into a sea of unknowns. Growing up, my parents were never kind to those who identified as a part of the LGBTQ+ community and neither was I at the time. It was unheard of in the Nigerian community. However, my beliefs changed when I started doing some personal digging into who I am and how I now identify. 

The first time I remember ever talking about the LGBTQ+ community in my house was in 6th grade. Keep in mind at this time, I knew a little bit about it because of the hours I spent watching gay couples living life on Youtube. It mesmerized me in a way that they could be themselves freely. I recall there being a woman who had recently denied a gay couple a marriage license in Kentucky. This was right after same-sex marriage was legalized which meant she would be jailed for breaking the law. I remember my mother being upset, not because the couple couldn’t get married, but because the woman had lost her job and was thrown in prison. She was going on a whole rampage that afternoon about it. She said that gay marriage is an abomination and the woman, Kim Davis, was doing the right thing. In the majorly Nigerian church I went to, they said homosexuality was a sickness and the people who were are confused. In that moment was when my internalized homophobia began. Of course, I didn’t know any better, even with all the queer content I viewed at 10 years old. My mother thought it was wrong so it had to be, right? At that age I would look up big named celebrities who also agreed with my mother and the rest of my family, just to validate the homophobia. In 7th grade, I would ask my classmates what they thought about it. Some would tell me that they didn’t agree with it and I felt normal. I asked another and her answer caught me by surprise. “I do, why don’t you?” I never had a reason as to why I was so hateful besides what I was told. Was it because of my faith that made me think this way? If it was, why would that be the only thing that I would choose to listen to? I know there’s a lot of verses in the Bible that say a lot of things are abominations, but I do them anyway. Then why was this so different? After she said that, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Every day I did some thinking as to why I couldn’t accept the fact that being LGBTQ+ isn’t a sickness and why I couldn't accept that I was also a part of that community.

Eighth grade was when I started changing my views and it happened rather quickly. A close friend of mine had just come out to me and I was rather accepting of it. It didn’t feel odd or awkward after and we both just went about our own lives. I personally still was stuck in the closet and was nowhere near coming out. I would show up to school and act like everything was okay but I was dying inside. Everyone knew me as I was and I wasn't going to change that anytime soon, although I could tell people were getting suspicious. You see, everyone around me was seemingly getting into relationships with ease. I, however, couldn’t do so as I wasn’t attracted to any girls in my grade. For this reason, I had girls constantly asking if I was gay and I would deny it instantly. I knew I had to do something and something fast. Luckily for me, there was this one girl who was more courageous than I who had asked me out. I knew that to keep up the “I’m straight” facade, I would have to accept. For two months I had acted as this girl's boyfriend to fight off any suspicions from others and the confusion within myself. For two months I led this girl on so that I wouldn’t feel as guilty for being who I am. Now looking back, I regret doing such a thing. The energy that I put into a relationship that meant nothing to me was unfair. We eventually broke things off, but not because I came out. For another year and a half, I held in my secret. Holding in this part of me led me to not be vulnerable with anyone and it had a big effect on my mental health. One summer night back before I started my freshman year I just broke down in tears. I was confused. I could barely get a word out to explain this sudden sadness I was feeling. My eyes filled with tears, so much that I couldn’t get them out. My heart was beating out of my chest, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. When my parents asked me what was wrong I told them I was sad and lonely. Just that and nothing else. Internally I knew it was from the internalization I was feeling, where I wasn't even brave enough to tell my family or friends that I’m not straight. The sadness continued for some months that turned into a year. 

One  January night in 2020, I had just finished watching some Tik Tok. I had seen a boy my age who was flaunting his sexuality and I envied him. He was brave enough to be himself, even when he had people coming for him on his socials. Why couldn’t I do the same? It’s a new year and things weren’t the way they were 5 years prior. That same night I knew it was my time to tell someone because if I didn’t I don’t know what I would do. I texted my best friend “I like boys…”. Immediately I put my phone away because I didn’t want to see her response. I knew she would accept me because she’s just that kind of person. Although I had to be wise, in the case that she doesn’t I can mentally prepare myself. That entire night I couldn’t sleep. I was tossing and turning and my head was full. “What if she hates me?” I thought to myself. I felt like I needed to throw up and cry at the same time. A little part of me though was happy. A weight was finally lifted from my shoulders. I had finally told someone who was special to me and I prayed I was special enough to them that they wouldn’t be upset. At 6 A.M., I checked to see if she had responded, which she did. She wrote in her text that she was confused. My heart had dropped. What could she be confused about? I thought it was clear. She then explained to me that because I was once internally and externally homophobic, that I wouldn’t identify as LGBTQ+. I didn’t even blame her too because at one point I was. I couldn’t think for myself, so I used what I was taught at home and my church and spread my hate to the world. That entire morning we had reached an understanding of who I am and I felt safer and more comfortable talking about myself. 

Several months later after telling my best friend I decided it was time to tell some other people. I had two other friends who I knew would accept me. I had been giving slight hints as well before coming out to them. One afternoon I was in my bedroom texting them when I just immediately dropped it. Out of nowhere, I had just come out to these people. I just went back to what I was doing to distract myself from what I had just done. I couldn’t hold the wondering for any longer though. Not even a minute passed and I checked my phone and when I did I was filled with relief. They accepted me and not only that, but they already had known. At this point, I no longer felt obligated to tell people about myself unless I feel it’s necessary. The people that I most care about can accept me and that was all I cared about. 

While I’m still on the journey of self-discovery, I can proudly admit that I’ve made it farther than I thought I would be able to 5 years ago. I can openly speak my mind and talk about my emotions without feeling like I'm hiding a piece of myself. Unfortunately, I don’t feel this way around my parents or other Nigerian adults. I know that if I were to come out today to them, there is a chance I would be disowned. Until I can raise myself to be an adult, this part of me will be kept away from them. I’ve made it this far though so that in itself is something I am proud of.