Personal Essay Example about Love

When is it my turn?

When is it my turn to get kisses on my forehead every day?

When is it my turn to get hugs from behind?

When is it my turn to feel loved?

God, it better come soon. I am tired of waiting, feeling left behind as I watch all the people around me experience love.

What am I doing wrong? 

What do I need to do to experience love? 

Love is surrounding me everywhere. There is no escape from it. I see the beautiful and ugly love; the beautiful side of love is seeing two people genuinely in love with each other, giving love letters, flowers, hugs, and kisses, feeling like you are in a fairy-tale. Beautiful love is an intense feeling of deep affection, putting them first. The act of caring, and giving to someone else, having someone’s best interest, is the priority of your life. Seeing them crying, sweaty, ugly- laughing, and ill. Essentially, seeing them at their worst. And still, being in love with them, seeing them as the most attractive person they have ever laid eyes on, beautiful love is affection in public, hand holding, and exchanging eye contact with a smile that displays; the intense love; that they have for each other. Not being afraid to show off your partner and how much you love them; having weird inside jokes that only you and your partner understand, teasing each other, and having funny nicknames. Being in a good, beautiful relationship has so much power and many emotions it is inconceivably insane. 

Then there is the ugly love, my parents. I see more ugly love than the beautiful side of their relationship. They argue almost every day, to the point that they will stop talking to each other. I never hear them say "I love you", one of the most powerful; yet short phrases that can mean so much. Their conversations are short. They can never agree on anything. 

Ugly love is not real love. It consists of arguing, lying, jealousy, trust issues, cheating, etc. I have seen more ugly love than beautiful love; it frightens me. Love can have a crazy effect on your mind that can lead; to destructive things. Such as hurting what was once the love of your life. Most of the time, it is not physical but mental. Being hurt mentally is another kind of pain. The pain that stays; has side effects, depression, grief, isolation, and distress. Seeing; your past love and remembering the core memories and the pure joy of the relationship. Now seeing; them as an enemy, a betrayer. It is not an average fairy-tale. Where the protagonist goes after the enemy till the conflict is resolved, but this is not a conflict that can be resolved, as they crushed your heart into a million tiny pieces. It feels like the love of your life slowly started taking a hammer to your heart. After every little fight, argument, and lie was another swing. After enough swings, the pieces are so small, like an atom. You feel broken, shattered, and damaged. You are aching as the surrounding people slowly start seeing another side of you. They start seeing the pain that you have gone through, wondering if you will ever go back to what you once were; happy because you felt loved and comforted. Every fairytale comes with a lesson, and so does every relationship. There are a plethora of similarities between fairytales and relationships. The complicated thing about fairytales is that they can appear that everything is sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns. Whereas in reality, there is a lot of pain. Nowadays, there is so much ugly love, and it comes early on in the relationship, making it feel like beautiful love is rare to find. I am scared that I do not know how to love since most of the love surrounding me is ugly.

 Dating is ugly; several people date because they are lonely; I date to see if I can have a future with that person. The modern-day dating rules are utterly ridiculous; dates are short and not romantic. People do not plan out dates anymore. It is usually; "Do you wanna come over later and watch a movie and cuddle?" The cuddling is cute, but depending on the person, they are trying to get into your pants. People use dating as an excuse for sex which makes me sick. Tons of girls question if guys use them for their bodies. People never plan out nice romantic dates to go, visit somewhere, and have quality time together, places you have never been before, and create core memories. It has become trendy if you have a high body count or have been in several relationships. Dating feels fake, a game. People rely on dating apps and social media. You rarely hear any adorable stories on how people have met anymore. The answer is usually tinder, hinge, or Snapchat. No hour-long calls are spent; talking about each other's future, life, and sweet, innocent stories. Nowadays, teenagers are communicating and sexting on Snapchat; that does not create a mature romantic relationship. It aches me to see that dates turn into making love in bed. Relationships are so sexual that it has become the norm; it is disgusting. Guys do not come to the door and meet your parents with flowers. They do not open the car door for girls anymore. Opening the car door has now become a high expectation of where it should be given. Maybe my expectations for relationships are too high, but the modern-day version of dating is sickening. 

Since I do not fit nor accept that modern-day version of dating. It makes me think I will never get into a relationship or be asked on a date. I am also disturbed by what I see around me. I am scared of getting hurt, mistreated, or cheated on. I have trust issues from the relationships I have witnessed. All I want is someone to love me the way I love others. I give them my all, I show affection, I am loyal, and I will always be there for them, no matter what. But my anxiety takes over me. I feel rushed. All my friends have experienced love, and I am left behind. I turn into their shoulder to lean on when they go through conflicts with their relationship or breakups. It feels like a tornado storm in my head. Somehow, all of a sudden, I can not think.  

What do they have that I don't?

Is there something seriously wrong with me?

How can I fit into modern-day dating?

I don’t think someone could love me. I have flaws in my personality. Lately, I have been focusing on them. I am stubborn; I struggle to apologize, and I get jealous. I take things personally; I struggle to communicate, and I am vulnerable to criticism. I can not fathom someone loving me as I just listed six things wrong with me. I have good things in my personality too, but lately, I think my flaws have been weighing out the good. 

I hope one day I find the guy for me, one that will write me cheesy love letters and buy me flowers, one that will help me through my flaws, a guy that will love me no matter what and comfort me. 

I still have one more question. When? How much longer will it be? I know there is a time for everything, but I am tired of waiting.

When is it my turn to be loved?