What We Talk About When We Talk About Love by Raymond Carver Book Review

In medieval Europe, a vassal was most commonly a knight who would provide their services in exchange for perks, like land. A vessel is used to carry someone or something and then deliver its passengers to another destination. Even though love in any form is one of the best parts of the human experience, the majority of people interpret affection very differently. Love can be perceived as an equal exchange between partners, an outlet for negative emotions, or something that comes and goes with the ocean tides.

In What We Talk About When We Talk About Love by Raymond Carver, Mel says “But I guess the knights were vessels to someone. Isn't that the way it worked? But then everyone is always a vessel to someone” (180). Even though he mistakes vessel for vassal, in saying this, Mel implies that he believes that love is an equal exchange. Ed, Terri’s ex-boyfriend, had verbally and physically abused her even though he’d claimed to have loved her. While Terri, Mel’s wife, asserts that Ed did love her, Mel counters that love like his isn’t love at all. Mel implies that every participant in any kind of relationship must do their part to help the bond persevere. However, the usage of ‘vessel’ instead of ‘vassal’ adds a different connotation to what Mel says. 

A vessel has more of a one-sided use; it is used to refer to either a container or a boat. If a knight is a vessel to a higher-ranking official, then they’re nothing more than a means to an end. They would likely not benefit as much from a pact with a lord than they would if they were a vassal. The same can be said for closer and less formal relationships. Earlier in the story, Terri reveals that Ed “beat me up one night. He dragged me around the living room by my ankles. He kept saying, 'I love you, I love you, you bitch.' He went on dragging me around the living room. My head kept knocking on things" (170). In this relationship, Terri was an easy target for Ed’s anger and homicidal tendencies. She was rarely, if ever, on equal ground with her boyfriend, and was treated more like an object or a means to an end than a cherished partner. 

Love has the ability to fade away or return full-force during the passage of time. Terri tells Laura and Nick that “"There isn't a day goes by that Mel doesn't say he wishes she'd get married again. Or else die”” (184). Mel goes on to talk about how he wishes he could go and kill Marjorie, his ex, with bees. These fantasies go far beyond idle intrusive thoughts; rather, Mel explains that he constantly thinks about how he could kill Marjorie and keep his children out of the splash zone. Even though he loudly protested when Terri said that she thinks Ed truly loved her, countering with how he sent them both death threats, he’s comfortable openly expressing how he’s considered ending someone else’s life. The only difference between him and Ed is how Mel also states that he believes he hates Marjorie and Ed was convinced that he still loved Terri.